DG 11

Dear God,

Thank you for making all the good things to eat that will keep us all healthy and not make us get sick or get fat.  If we ate loads of junk food and chips and cheeseburgers and fries and doughnuts and cookies and chicken nuggets and corndogs and stuff, that would be bad, and we might not feel very good and we might even get sick and puke.  It’s funny that all that not good for you stuff is all the same browny color.  Did you do that for us so that we would know what food was not good for us?  That was a pretty good idea, but it might be better if you made it all taste yucky instead, so that we wouldn’t like it so much. 

Mommy says pizza is junky too, but pizza isn’t that browny color, not all of it anyway.  The cheese and the bready bits are kind of that color I guess, but you can put lots of different things on pizza that are different colors, and the saucy bit is always very red.  It’s funny how pizza can have lots of good things like vegetables and cheese but it’s still not good for you.  Daddy likes lots of different things on his pizza all together and it gets really heavy and floppy, but I like mine with just cheese best.  Since Mommy says too much pizza’s not good for you, I sometimes give my crusty bits to Ranger. 

How come the really good for us food doesn’t taste so good?  Even things that are supposed to be yummy, like fruit, sometimes aren’t very good.  Mommy gave me some strawberries for a snack today.  I like strawberry milk and strawberry lollypops, but real strawberries don’t taste like that.  The real ones made my face scrunch up and my tongue stick out and I didn’t mean to spit it out, but when I made that face, it just kind of fell out of my mouth and it landed on the floor and made a kind of splat noise and then Ranger ate it. 

Mommy got a little bit angry, and I said I was sorry and she didn’t yell at me but I didn’t get a snack at all after that.  I was SO hungry and I couldn’t have anything at all and I had to wait until dinner and then it was meatloaf which is kind of okay but it’s not really my favorite so I ate it but it would have been cool if it was one of my favoriter dinners instead. 

Maybe you could make real strawberries taste like the lollypops, and more kids would eat them and that would be very healthy, and then it would be okay if we had pizza more.

Amen.

DG 10

Dear God,

Do you believe in magic?

I don’t mean pretend magic, like the clown with the twisty balloons at Pete’s birthday party, the one who pulled a robot out of his hat because he couldn’t spell right.  Or when Uncle Larry finds money in my ears.  I mean really real magic, like genies or talking mirrors or fairy godmothers?

Or flying reindeer?

Tonight, when we were all eating dinner, Mommy asked if I knew what I was going to ask Santa for this year.  I was going to tell her that I thought a new bike would be cool, but I hadn’t decided yet because there’s lots of other really cool things and I was thinking about a space ship for my action figures or maybe, since I’m big now, I should maybe get big kid stuff so maybe I should ask for a phone or a laptop, and I wanted to make sure that he got something nice for Ranger too, maybe a really super big bone like  the ones cartoon dogs get.  I didn’t get to tell her that though, because when she asked me about Santa, Danny started laughing and called me a baby.

Mommy told him to be quiet, but he kept going.  He said that no one could go down all those chimneys and we don’t even have a chimney so how does he even get in?  Then he said that the Tuckers down the street have a burglar alarm and if anyone tried to sneak in, the police would catch him and take him to jail. 

Mommy and Daddy got mad, but he just laughed more.  He said that if Santa has a list and only gives presents to good kids, then how come all the kids get stuff?  Does that mean that there aren't any naughty kids?  Even Danny got presents from Santa last year, and he’s always mean!

Mommy and Daddy got really mad and told Danny to go to his room.  I was very sad and Mommy and Daddy talked to me and said that Santa was really real, and that Danny was just silly and he thinks he knows lots but he doesn’t, and I should think about what I’m going to ask for.  Then they made Danny say sorry and that he made it up to be mean.

That made me feel better, I guess. 

But what if Santa isn’t really real magic?  What if he doesn’t have a really magic list and really go down chimneys?  What if he just does pretend magic tricks, like finding money in ears?  What if Danny was right and when he tries to bring toys to kids, someone thinks he’s a bad guy?

Maybe you could keep an eye on him this year?  Just in case?  After all, he’s really nice to all the kids everywhere, so we should be nice back.

And if his naughty and nice list doesn’t really work, maybe you could tell him about Danny.

Amen.

DG 9

Dear God,

Mommy was watching the news in the kitchen today and the news lady said there were bad guys robbing lots of houses in our town.  I was playing with my action figures on the table so I heard all about it.  Mommy let me borrow a wooden spoon and I put that on top of one of my big fat crayons that I don’t use any more because I like to use markers now and I put one of the action figures in the spoony bit and I hit the handle as hard as I could and the guys went flying, and one of them went really far and banged into the cabinet and then Mommy said I had to stop, and that’s when the lady started talking about robbers.

She was talking to another news man who was outside, only they don’t have to use phones because they’re TV people and they can just talk, and he said the bad guys stole from a lot of houses, and that they sneaked in while everyone was asleep, and they stole lots of stuff.  Then the outside man talked to a policeman who said he wanted everyone to help catch the bad guys, and if anyone knew anything, they should call, but I thought that was kind of lazy because the police are supposed to catch bad guys for their job, and if someone else does the work, then that’s kind of like cheating, but I guess if they only want help with this one thing, and if that means that the bad guys get caught and go to jail, then I guess that’s okay this time.

If I was a superhero like my action figure guys, I could catch the bad guys all by myself.  When I was littler, I used to have a cool super costume with a cape and a mask and everything and I wore it one year for Halloween, but I was a pirate this year and that wouldn’t make a very good superhero suit, unless maybe if I was a pirate with a mask, I could be a sort of a superhero, and I could be Captain Pirate, because lots of superheroes and lots of pirates are captains so that would be alright, and I could sneak up on the bad guys when they thought they were being the sneaky ones and I could say “Hold it right there, bad guys!” and then they would try to fight me but I’d be to quick because I have my special super Captain Pirate moves and I’d trap them all in my skull flag and tie them up and then the police could take them to jail.

Mommy and Daddy said the bad guys aren't going to sneak into our house, but I think that maybe they were just saying that and they don’t really know for sure, so I asked if it was okay if I could wear my pirate costume for jammies and Daddy did that eye rolly thing and made a puffy noise and said okay, as long as I don’t wear the pirate hook in bed, so I hid that under my pillow, because that’s not the same as wearing it and Daddy didn’t say I couldn’t so I’m not being bad.

Thank you for keeping us safe, but if bad guys do come here and I have to be Captain Pirate, could you help me with my moves?  Maybe you could put me on the end of a spoon so that I could flip really high and surprise the robbers and then I could wrap them all up before they could do anything?  That would be really cool!

Amen.

DG7

Dear God,

Thank you for making it not rainy on my trick-or-treat.  It must be really hard keeping all the kids dry when every town does trick-or-treat on a different day. 

I was going to be a robot this year, but we couldn’t find the costume I wanted.  Daddy said he could help me make one, but sometimes when Daddy makes things, they don’t look very cool and he gets really mad when the pieces don’t go together right, and I was a little bit afraid that if he made a costume that I might look not cool but I would have to wear it anyway because Daddy worked really hard to make it and then my friends might laugh at me because my costume looks silly and the pieces are all wrong, so I told him I wanted to be a pirate instead.  

Jenny’s mommy said it would be okay if I went trick-or-treating with her because she was going out with Jenny and Ty and Doug was coming too and so was Sammi, and I asked Mommy if I could, and she called Jenny’s mommy on the phone and they talked and talked and talked and then Mommy said I could go with them, and they picked me up after dinner.  The sun was still out and it didn’t look very Halloweeny, but that’s okay because we had lots of fun.  Jenny was a witch with purple hair and glitter, and Doug was Batman only his mask wasn’t right and his cape said “Batman” on the back which was kind of weird because Batman’s cape doesn’t say anything, and Sammi was a space alien with blinking lights and a really cool mask.  Ty was a teddy bear, only he didn’t like it because he said it was too babyish and he wanted to be something cool like the rest of us big kids. 

We were only supposed to go to houses with the front light on, and it was hard to tell with some of them because it wasn’t dark yet, but most of them had lights and they all gave us tons of candy.  Before I left, Mommy told me I could only have one bit when I got home, but she didn’t say anything about what I could eat before I got back, so I had a bunch of those little chocolate bars and some candy corn and something that Mrs.  Felcher gave me that looked a little bit like a peanut and that was really, really chewy and tasted not very nice so I had to spit that one out, but it’s okay because I saw a squirrel and I think that maybe squirrels likes things that are a little bit like nuts even if they’re really, really chewy so he might take it home to his tree and stick it on a branch and then he could nibble it a little bit at a time for ages.  I got three more of those peanut things, so could you please tell that squirrel that if he wants them, he can find them in our back yard?

Amen.

DG4

Dear God,

I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to you last night.  I didn’t feel very good yesterday.  I was okay at lunch, but at dinner time, I felt tired and a little shivery and I wasn’t very hungry, but Mommy made tacos and they’re my favorite so I ate some.  They made my stomach feel all funny and gurgley, but they were too yummy so I kept eating, and then I had a loud giant burp that sounded like that time Danny drank a whole big bottle of soda real quick just so he could burp Mary Had a Little Lamb, only mine wasn’t funny like that and it scared me and made my belly feel weird.   

I got up to go to the bathroom, only I wasn’t fast enough because when I stood up, I got sick, and it got on the floor and on my chair and even on Danny, only that’s not so bad, because Danny’s mean to me sometimes, so it serves him right, but it still made me really upset that I puked and I started to cry.

Mommy told me it was alright and went to get some towels.  Daddy gave me a big hug and said it was okay.  Then he cleaned my face with a napkin and started to wipe the puke off my shoe when I got sick again and I puked on his arm and there were bits of taco shell and hamburger and it was really, really gross.  Daddy got surprised and he fell down on his butt and sat in more puke, and I thought he’d get really, really mad at me and that made me cry again. 

But he didn’t yell or anything.  He asked Mommy for one of the towels and told me to go to the bathroom in case I get sick again.  Mommy came with me in case I needed help or a hug.  Daddy got changed, and when he came back to the table, Ranger had the floor all clean and was working on my chair.  Ranger’s a really good helper!

I didn’t get sick any more, but my belly was sore and I felt really tired, and Mommy took my temperature and didn’t say I was fine, so that meant I wasn’t, and she snuggled with me on the couch and we watched TV and then I woke up in my bed so I didn’t get the chance to talk to you.

I felt better today, but Mommy and Daddy said I still had to take it easy, so I got to curl up on the couch, sometimes with Mommy and sometimes with Ranger, and I watched cartoons all morning and then I had some toast for lunch, and after that Mommy said it was okay to play with my toys if I was gentle, so I played with my Lego and made a secret hideout for bad guys and made up a superhero called Stretchy Arms Man who has stretchy arms and can catch bad guys from far away and Stretchy Arms Man got all the bad guys and put them in jail, so I had to make a jail too.

I’m glad I didn’t stay sick for very long, but if you have to make me sick again, can you please not do it on taco night?

Amen.

DG3

Dear God,

I know you have to make it rain sometimes to make the flowers grow and to keep the ocean full, but today you made it rain a whole lot, and I couldn't go outside, so I got a little bit bored. 

I went to Danny’s room to ask him if he wanted to play with me, but he was busy shooting guys in his video game, only it wasn’t really like they were dead because they just fell over and disappeared, and that’s not what it was like when Grandad died, but Danny blasted lots and lots of bad guys and that would be a lot of funerals for a video game, so they just disappeared. 

Danny let me watch him play for a while, and I asked him if he thought all those video game guys went to heaven when they died or if there was a special video game heaven, and if they disappeared out of heaven when he went back to replay a level, or if those were different guys who looked the very same and when they get blasted, they go to heaven too and they see the other guys that look just the same and they can be like brothers which would be kind of nice, and then Danny said that I was being stupid and he made me leave his room.

Ranger had to go outside a few times because that’s where we keep his bathroom, and every time he came back in he was really, really wet, and when he came in after it was raining really hard, Mommy said he was too wet and smelly to stay in, but it was still raining very hard and it was too wet to make him stay outside, so Mommy said it was okay for him to come in but I had to dry him off first, and I did a really good job.  Ranger's pretty big and it was kind of hard, and it took three great big towels.  I was going to use the fluffy ones that Mommy never takes out, but she said I can't use the good towels and made me use the old ones Daddy uses to clean up after he’s done painting or making stuff in the basement. 

Ranger was really good and he held still the whole time for me, but Daddy still got mad because when I was done, Ranger and I were going to watch TV together and he hopped up on the couch, and he wasn’t super dry because I just used towels and they don’t always make things all the way dry, and even though he was mostly dry, he was still a little bit not dry, so the cushions got a little bit not quite dry too.  Daddy got mad and called Ranger a bad dog, even though he wasn’t really bad, just a little wet.

So if it’s okay, could you please make it not rain tomorrow?  If the plants are still thirsty, I can water them for you.  There's a great big watering can in the shed that I can use all by myself, and if I need to water lots, I can ask Mommy or Daddy if it's okay for me to use the garden hose.  That way, the flowers can still drink, and I can play, and Ranger won’t get in trouble.

Amen.

DG 1

Dear God,

Please bless Mommy and Daddy and Danny and Ranger and Granny Boo and Uncle Larry and Auntie Susie and Auntie Gemma and everyone else Mommy says I’m supposed to ask you to bless, but I know you get really busy with people asking for things and making rain and stuff, so if you don’t have time to look after everyone, I don’t mind if you have to skip Danny.

I told Mommy that I didn’t want to get you to bless Danny because he’s mean to me and won’t let me play with his video games and he smells. Mommy got mad and said he doesn’t smell, but he really, really does.  A lot.  He’s got stinky feet that smell like that party cheese with the squiggly lines that Daddy likes, and he farts all the time.  Sometimes, when he has a really big stinky fart, he sits on my head and squishes me under his great big, ugly butt and farts right in my nose, and I get squished and stinked and when I tell Mommy, she just tells him not to and he does it anyway. 

Ranger’s kind of smelly too, especially when he gets wet, but he’s a dog so he’s supposed to be a little bit stinky.  He’s kind of noisy sometimes like when he sees strangers or when he hears a car or when the ad with the hippo song comes on the TV, and he gets up on the furniture even when he’s not supposed to because he makes the sofa all hairy and Daddy’s allergic and it makes him sneeze and talk all funny, but Ranger’s not mean to me and I love him lots so I still want you to look after him. 

Maybe if Danny was an Irish Settler like Ranger, he’d be nice to me too, and instead of chasing me and being mean, he could chase me and play and be nice, and I could feed him my Brussels sprouts when Mommy wasn’t looking, and it would be okay if they make him fart because he already farts a lot, and I could have his big bedroom because he doesn’t need it anymore because he’s a dog, but I could share and let him sleep on the bed and he could keep my feet warm at night.     

So God, please turn Danny into an Irish Settler that likes to play and doesn’t have stinky feet and is nice, and then you can bless him all you want. 

Amen.